James Spader: The Sum of Your Parts

The geeks, they start young in my family.

My favorite book, when I was very very young, was Jane Yolen's Commander Toad and the Planet of the Grapes. While taking stock of what books had been most important to me, during a college course on children's lit, I discovered that nearly all my favorite books from ages 3-18 were all by Jane Yolen.

This is like that. But with different ages, and "sexiest fictional man alive" instead of "favorite book" and "James Spader" instead of "Jane Yolen." Not to say I wouldn't marry Jane Yolen, if she were so inclined, but this entry isn't about that love affair. This is about a man who can play a kinkster like a relatable friend, monologue like a master, and make eye contact through the camera like nobody's business.

I somehow missed his youthful career in Pretty in Pink, but I caught up with him in the 1994 sandy, alien epic Stargate. Alien-battling archiologist? Yeah, he was pretty cool. Even when it's fake movie smarts, I'm still a sapiosexual at my core.

Years passed and I didn't really know his name. And then one day, I found a new show. A spinoff of The Practice, which I'd never seen. But, heck what else did I have to do? That show was Boston Legal. Alan Shore is a clever, fast-talking lawyer; a kinky, sex-obsessed woman-worshipper; and a loyal, unwavering friend. Right about here is where I'd link a great video of Alan Shore's amazingly paced closing arguments, but the only ones on Youtube are horrifyingly poor quality "video tape my TV screen" versions. So I suggest that you simply go out and watch all of Boston Legal yourself.

Alan Shore is probably my all time number one husband, despite his being fictional and having commitment issues. His relationship with best friend and flamingo Denny Crane is the single truest love story I've ever seen on a screen.

Real men hold hands.

Alan Shore introduced me to a feeling I like to call "dirty sexy." It's shivering at things your every instinct tells you that you should be offended by. And yet…

Alan Shore: I suppose we could wager. Loser has to slather the winner in maple syrup and then lick it off. Winner gets to slather the loser with maple syrup and then lick it off.

You're on, Mr. Shore. I'll see you in court.

There's also a little movie called Secretary, which is a quaint little love story about a quiet man and his humiliation/horse-sub. Or something. I'm not entirely clear on the details of the kink, as it seems to be quite widely ranged, which is fine. But boy, was it an interesting movie to watch with my parents.

Doesn't this just scream "your parents will love it"!?

For an amusing send-up of creepy-sex-creep James Spader, please see The Office's Robert California, as played by James Spader.

Actually, I hear that James Spader is a pretty nice, kind of vanilla guy. But he's all of these things to me, and so much more. He's James Spader, and he's the man of my dreams. Heck, he's even an upcoming super villain in the next Avengers movie. Not entirely sure who to root for in that lineup.

Basically, what I'm saying here is that this download of Blacklist Season 1, Episode 1 needs to move faster, because it's been too long, and I want James Spader to be here, now. Talking. A lot. Quietly, and forcefully.

Please, sir?

Pros: Alan Shore, Alan Shore, Alan Shore, Dr. Daniel Jackson, once worked as a yoga instructor.

Cons: In a long term committed relationship, not actually Alan Shore. One point.

Jason Bateman: I've Made A Huge Mistake... Please Have My Babies

For a movie about a man who drunkenly switches his own sperm with that of a carefully chosen donor, thus impregnating his best friend without her consent, The Switch isn't really a creepy horror show. It's not a fantastic movie, either. However, it did remind me that Jason Bateman is pretty much my all time favorite Dad. As such, I would like to ask him to bear and raise my progeny.

He gets this look, you know the one. That classic Jason Bateman, looking off into the distance, smiling, but also confused, like he didn't know that happiness was really a thing that happened to people? Where he's never had to make his muscles do that before and it's a really concerning new experience?

Yeah, that's the one.

That's too cute. And it's not the little kid sitting on his shoulders either. It's that fluffy-haired dude right there. The one who's probably about to drop the little kid and then make up for it by buying him ice cream and talking to him about how life is hard sometimes, but we all learn to deal with that.

He's a great, encouraging Dad. Who really knows how to make his kid strive.

Michael: [about George Michael's test] A-?
George Michael: Are you proud of me?
Michael: Very proud... minus. 

And let's not forget the time in Juno when he ran out on his wife and the pregnant teenager who was about to give them her child because he wanted to pursue his dream of being a rock star and/ or not an adult... Actually, yes, let's definitely forget about that time.

[Coughs] Disregarding the past paragraph... When it comes down to it, he's just the perfect guy and I've gotta ask:

Jason Bateman, will you carry and raise my babies, seahorse style? 'Cause I'd be down for that.

Pros: Already Married With Two Kids (What's Another One, Right?), Adorably Pessimistic Parenting Style
Cons: I Don't Actually Want Kids, Often A Barely Functional Fictional Dad, Already Married With Two Kids (That's Two More Than I'd Want and I Couldn't Blame Him if He Wanted to Stop There)

One Point.

Chris Hadfield: Float Over This Way, Space Commander

Maybe it's the whole amazing spinny weightlessness thing, but I've seen all of two videos he posted during his time on the International Space Station and I've got it bad for Commander Chris Hadfield of Ontario and Space.

Dude, let's have a weightless wedding cake. Which would make crumbs... So a block of wedding fudge, perhaps? Maple flavored fudge. Because I would love to be Canadian.

Actually, Chris Hadfield landed back on Earth this Monday, so his appeal may lessen, like his bone density surely did in space. But at least I've got tons of YouTube clips to peruse until the next space man catches my eye.

He even made a couple of musical firsts, being the first person to record an album in space.

Apparently there was a David Bowie tribute, but I'll let you go find that on your own.

Pros: Seems super cool due to weightlessness, knows how to keep a neat living space.
Cons: Happily married to his high school sweetheart with whom he has three grown children, no longer in space. 2 points.

Well if no one else is going to say it, I will...

*Edit: Sorry to overfill this post with video clips, but after having sought out the Bowie clip, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't post it here. Because now that I've seen it, I'm going to go ring shopping. I am not going to leave it up to you to find. Because if you're as lazy as I am, you never will. And that would be a shame. Enjoy. (Thanks and much love to C.A. for this!)

Quickie: See, Willy is a cutie!

I think it's pretty clear from these updated portraits that William S. is both a cutie and probably too cool for me.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: If you're Robin, then I'll be Poison Ivy

There's nothing quite like meeting up with a kid you had a crush on when you were both oh-so-little, and finding that he's still something else. Now imagine that you can actually go back in time and watch his 15 year old self do all the things that set your little heart on fire.

Apparently, this totally worked for me when I was 12.

What I'm getting at here is that I've been re-watching 3rd Rock from the Sun. And it made me feel juuust a little like a creepster watching Tommy toss his super cool long hair around. Yes, kids, that's right, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was one of my young loves. Granted, I felt a little less creepy when I checked IMDB to discover that Joe is, in fact three years older than me and always has been. Phew! And, I've gotta say, the kid had some talent. He's not one of those cute little kid actors, he's got skills, he's got class, he's got this great episode where he retires from the mission and goes to live in a retirement community. The kid is no slouch.

Dear tumblr, thanks for this.

And, surprise to me, the girl who played his romantic interest in 10 Things I Hate About You, Larisa Oleynik, also plays his girlfriend on 3rd Rock. (The internet maintains that they dated.)

Speaking of which, who among us late-20s/ early-30s women hasn't watched that movie about 7 trillion times, until the VHS wore out, the new DVD got scratched, and, well, it's not on Netflix instant play, so... I even know some guys my age who are willing admit to loving the crap out of 10 Things I Hate About You. Heck, I even tried watching the recent TV adaptation, which did not turn out to be a productive, or particularly enjoyable, use of my time. Maybe because they strayed so thoroughly from The Taming of the Shrew. And it's complete lack of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Boo.

Because that's what I'm here to talk about. Average Joe. And he's not just an actor, oh no. He's the kind of guy who makes me feel guilty about all that time I could be spending finishing the book I started as my college senior project. (Really, I've got the beginning written, and an end kind of planned; how hard can the middle be? I'll just do it later.) Oh sure, he's acted in over 60 titles, yeah, but he's also directed, written, produced, edited, composed, done things I'm not even sure I know the past tense for... Sheesh!



Joe has his own production company. But here's the really cool part, it's not just his, because hitRECord is collaborative. AND it's about to have it's own, actually on your television, honest to goodness TV show. It's the kind of thing that almost makes me wish I owned a television....

Click the link, check it out. Because hitRECord is one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a while. This is (one of) the (many and varied) future(s) of the internet, people. Collective art. And collective profits, if there are any. Maybe one day, when I'm feeling quite sassy, I'll stroll on down to hitRECord and lay down a story or two and see what becomes of them. Or maybe I'll pick up someone's tune and write some lyrics. Thanks for the invite, Regular Joe! What a big, sexy brain you have.

And speaking of cool--we all knew I'd get to this paragraph eventually and if you haven't seen the full Dark Knight Trilogy, then spoilers are ahead--the guy is Robin. I mean, OK, he's not Batman... yet. But come on. 3rd Rock from the Sun, Inception, Dark Knight Rises, Looper; for a guy who calls himself Regular Joe, he's basically a Sci-fi dreamboat. And I for one, would like to board.

Extra goodness:

The kid can dance!

Pros: Time-traveling, crime-fighting, dream-invading alien. Makes pretty sweet art. We've invested in a long-term relationship.

Cons: Not actually a time-traveling, crime-fighting, dream-invading alien. Best part of his fan club's website is a link that looks like it's internal, but instead takes you directly to his tumblr. 2 points.

Martin Freeman: Charming and Disarming

Lately, I was part of a thread on Facebook wherein someone claimed to be a nice guy, and that girls didn't like him because he was too nice. Now, there are tons and tons of blogs I could link to talk about the problem of the Nice Guy and the Friend Zone, but I'd rather address it in my own way. I want to talk to you about Martin Freeman. I could be a Jehovah's Witness for Martin Freeman. Do you have Martin Freeman in your life? He is a power for good, my friend. You will breathe a little easier knowing Marty is out there somewhere, smiling awkwardly and thinking about tea.

I Googled "Martin Freeman tea" to get this photo, but it was really pointless to add that to the search because Martin Freeman is synonymous with tea.

And this is not a British thing. I'm in love with tons of Brits, it's true, but only Martin Freeman reminds me consistently of tea. And fuzzy slippers. He's that "too nice" guy. But it's totally working for me. Yowza, tell me more about the garden behind your house.

Have you seen Love Actually!? How many guys could play that role, chatting up a girl while being a body double in a sex scene? Martin Freeman is so disarming that he can ask a girl out While. Pretending. To. Screw. Her. And he can still seem sweet doing it.

"It's Junction 13 that's just murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning."

Watch Hugh Grant try to pull that one off. Ha! He'd get kicked in the nads but hard. Martin Freeman asks a girl out while naked and miming fellatio? Lovely. (That being said, full disclosure: I swoon over that scummy Hugh Grant every time he puts on that rakish smile and brushes his hair back. It's terrible. I should see a therapist.)

Plus, Martin Freeman has played Arthur Dent, the tea-loving, accidentally-flying reluctant space traveler of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And Bilbo Freakin' Baggins.

Of the Sackville-Freakin'-Bagginses.

He's basically all of my childhood fantasy friends wrapped up in one. If only he could play Ramona Quimby, age 8, he'd be a perfect amalgam of every book I've ever loved.

Remember those girls on the school bus reading Tiger Beat? They could swoon over the tiniest detail. I could watch YouTube clips of Martin Freeman for hours, on completely unknown British talk shows. There was an Onion article, "The Hobbit to feature 53 minute long scene of Bilbo packing." I would love that movie. The bit where he rummages through his drawers? Yup, I'd be happily munching on popcorn. Because this guy has facial expressions like you wouldn't believe. He'd be all...

and I'd be all, "you're right, Bilbo, that sweater is a bit too light for this type of excursion. It would be much better suited for a hike and picnic. Best pack the deep red wool with the little oak buttons." Hand to god, I would watch this man read the phone book.

And let's not even talk about his work on Sherlock. (Because I'll get to Watson later.)

...And that is why I named a cat after him at work the other day. Fluffy, round-faced, sweet little devil. Charming and disarming. Then, bam, you're in love.

Pros: Arthur Dent/ Bilbo Baggins/ John Watson. Possibly the nicest guy in the world (and if he's widely known for being a jerk, please let me keep my greatly un-researched fantasy). Has a mom named Philomena.

Cons: In a committed partnership, has two kids. 2 points.

Ben Folds: Play Me Like a Piano...?

Sorry for the month-long hiatus so early on. Perhaps you can see why I'm stuck with fictional relationships. No time for a real one! 

While talking with a friend about the jarring feeling when seeing ex's cars, I remembered this video.

You can drive down my trail of tears any time, Ben... No, that can't be right.

Now, yes, I know this is a song by the Dresden Dolls, but we'll talk about Amanda Palmer later. Right here, and right now, we're talking about my number one pianist spouse, Ben Folds.

This is a man who tells you that his trio has five members. (And I'm not too embarrassed to tell you that I didn't work that one out until about two months ago when I saw them on the "Do It Anyway" video, because I didn't have cable, never saw any music videos, never went to a concert, and wasn't the kind of kid who read liner notes. Oops.) He can barely sing, but he rocks it with confidence every time. And I spent approximately 4,000 hours of my time in middle school sighing while listening to "Brick." [dramatic swoon] I was such a good kid; "Army" may well have been the first time I sang along with a swear word. Yeah, I wore that CD out on the brand new Discman. Happy 13th birthday, future Mrs. Folds!

But it wasn't until I saw him as a judge on The Sing Off, an acapella contest show on NBC, that I knew we were getting serious. You'll work it out eventually, so let's get one thing straight; this girl loves a nerd. Talk passionately to me about something I don't understand, but in a way I find accessible, and you've got me. Bed Folds is an ultimate music nerd. I didn't always follow the technical stuff, but this is the same guy who sang a chorus of "you can't draw a crowd by drawing dicks on a wall," so I think we could work that out. Anyways, music nerd. Huge nerd.

Really, really, shockingly big nerd.

Glasses.

Le sigh!

How would this meeting go? Not well, I'd think.

Me: Hey, you look kind of familiar.

Ben Folds: Yeah, I'm Ben Folds.

Me: No, I don't think so... Hold on, let me IMDB it...

Ben Folds: OK, well, would you like to hear me play the piano? [rocks]

Me: Oh, yeah, you're Ben Folds! I had one of your CDs once.

Ben Folds: Ouch.

Me: Look, if we got married, would you be able to get Red Fraggle to come?

Pros: Finally Growing Into His Face, This.

Cons: Married, Insanely Too Cool For Me, I Know Absolutely Nothing About Music and Fan Girl Blathering Can Only Carry Us So Far. 3 points.

Note: While all the Youtube links in this post are Ben playing covers of other people's song, I do actually know and love his work as well. Here. (See? He looks much better these days. Maybe it's the hair. Either way, I'd totally marry that.)