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| The geeks, they start young in my family. |
My favorite book, when I was very very young, was Jane Yolen's Commander Toad and the Planet of the Grapes. While taking stock of what books had been most important to me, during a college course on children's lit, I discovered that nearly all my favorite books from ages 3-18 were all by Jane Yolen.
This is like that. But with different ages, and "sexiest fictional man alive" instead of "favorite book" and "James Spader" instead of "Jane Yolen." Not to say I wouldn't marry Jane Yolen, if she were so inclined, but this entry isn't about that love affair. This is about a man who can play a kinkster like a relatable friend, monologue like a master, and make eye contact through the camera like nobody's business.
I somehow missed his youthful career in Pretty in Pink, but I caught up with him in the 1994 sandy, alien epic Stargate. Alien-battling archiologist? Yeah, he was pretty cool. Even when it's fake movie smarts, I'm still a sapiosexual at my core.
Years passed and I didn't really know his name. And then one day, I found a new show. A spinoff of The Practice, which I'd never seen. But, heck what else did I have to do? That show was Boston Legal. Alan Shore is a clever, fast-talking lawyer; a kinky, sex-obsessed woman-worshipper; and a loyal, unwavering friend. Right about here is where I'd link a great video of Alan Shore's amazingly paced closing arguments, but the only ones on Youtube are horrifyingly poor quality "video tape my TV screen" versions. So I suggest that you simply go out and watch all of Boston Legal yourself.
Alan Shore is probably my all time number one husband, despite his being fictional and having commitment issues. His relationship with best friend and flamingo Denny Crane is the single truest love story I've ever seen on a screen.
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| Real men hold hands. |
Alan Shore introduced me to a feeling I like to call "dirty sexy." It's shivering at things your every instinct tells you that you should be offended by. And yet…
Alan Shore: I suppose we could wager. Loser has to slather the winner in maple syrup and then lick it off. Winner gets to slather the loser with maple syrup and then lick it off.You're on, Mr. Shore. I'll see you in court.
There's also a little movie called Secretary, which is a quaint little love story about a quiet man and his humiliation/horse-sub. Or something. I'm not entirely clear on the details of the kink, as it seems to be quite widely ranged, which is fine. But boy, was it an interesting movie to watch with my parents.
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| Doesn't this just scream "your parents will love it"!? |
For an amusing send-up of creepy-sex-creep James Spader, please see The Office's Robert California, as played by James Spader.
Actually, I hear that James Spader is a pretty nice, kind of vanilla guy. But he's all of these things to me, and so much more. He's James Spader, and he's the man of my dreams. Heck, he's even an upcoming super villain in the next Avengers movie. Not entirely sure who to root for in that lineup.
Basically, what I'm saying here is that this download of Blacklist Season 1, Episode 1 needs to move faster, because it's been too long, and I want James Spader to be here, now. Talking. A lot. Quietly, and forcefully.
Please, sir?
Pros: Alan Shore, Alan Shore, Alan Shore, Dr. Daniel Jackson, once worked as a yoga instructor.
Cons: In a long term committed relationship, not actually Alan Shore. One point.
