Shakespeare: You never forget your first fictional husband.

At a young (and nerdy) age, I decided that I was going to marry Shakespeare. Maybe I had just finished learning Shakespearean insults at that Shakespeare acting camp, maybe I'd read my first sonnet in an English class, or maybe I just wanted to be demonstrably smart and cool. (Note: I had interesting ideas about coolness.) Whatever the reason, Shakespeare was the first of many fictional relationships. While many of my counterparts were reading Tiger Beat and swooning over Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I was kind of into Shakespeare. (Though I do remember being urged to pick on the bus one day and admitting that, of all the guys on that page, Leonardo DiCaprio had the prettiest eyes.) This is one fictional relationship that's grown over time.

Much like the Beatles, I used to like Shakespeare because I thought I was supposed to, but as I grew older, I realized that we had a lot in common. I discovered that there was more to Shakespeare than his fame. For instance, he was a man of the people, who wrote for the drunk guys standing on rushes in the pit as well as the royalty. He once bought a pig (according to a professor, this was one of the few records of his everyday life). He may have actually been an Earl. He seems cool with cross dressing. And, most importantly, the man loved a good syphilis joke. I mean, how is that not sexy?

Also, I could call him Big Willy, which I admit I did for many years.

I imagine the proposal would have gone something like this (remember, English was pronounced differently in his time):

Shakespeare: I know no ways to mince it in love, but directly to say 'I love you:' then if you urge me farther than to say 'do you in faith?' I wear out my suit. Give me your answer; i' faith, do: and so clap hands and a bargain: how say you, lady?
Me: Sorry, I can't understand you.
Shakespeare: My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.
Me: ... Are you from Ireland?
Shakespeare: Upon thy cheek I lay this zealous kiss, as seal to the indenture of my love.
Me: Ohhhh, now I get it. Yeah, that's cool by me.
Shakespeare: Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. [dies]
Me: What? Aw, crud.

The Final Score

Shakespeare: Dead, gay (?), married, and fictional (?). 2-4 points, depending on what you believe about his identity.

Note: I admit that my love of Shakespeare has also been influenced by Ten Things I Hate About You. If only I'd taken the Bard of Avon to Prom.